If you are contemplating or engaged in adoption and want to benefit from the blessings of adoption through understanding its rich complexities…
Marcy Axness is a communicator par excellence. Her work is not only about adoptees and their families, it is also a bold relief paradigm that speaks to our larger society of the importance of truth and empathy in all human relations.
—John C. Sonne, M.D.
Psychiatrist/Family therapist
Adoptive Parents | Birth Mothers | Adoptees
Adoptive parents
Adoptive parents are first and foremost parents… who need the same sound parenting advice as other new parents! (Therefore, I invite you to visit the other parenting topics, too.) But research has also shown that the healthiest adoptive parents acknowledge the differences of adoptive families. Adoptive parents foster the strongest sense of well-being in their children by recognizing and honoring the unique gifts of being an adopted child, and the unique challenges faced by adopted children. Adoptive parents are also faced with unique parenting issues:
- successfully integrating infertility grief with their joy at becoming parents
- feeling like legitimate parents in a culture that is “two-faced” about adoption: people say “How wonderful that you adopted,” but you can’t help getting that feeling that they don’t think it’s quite as good as if you “had your own”… (and maybe you worry that deep down you feel that way, too)
- what adoptive parenting advice to follow about talking to your child about adoption, sharing his story in the way that will help him thrive, etc.
- interpreting your child’s behaviors in light of her unique beginnings and her own story
QUANTUM PARENTING is the homebase of one of the world’s most highly respected authorities on adoption issues, and offers practical parenting guidance that is sensitive to the unique challenges and rewards of adoptive families.
I’ve read all the books on adoption, and I’ve got a few adoptive mom acquaintances, but you are the only one who I feel is qualified. I want the adoptee’s opinion.
—Lucy Lafitte, adoptive parent
As a psychotherapist, I find that your articles have informed my work with a deeper understanding of the problems faced by foster and adopted children and their families. As an adoptive mother, I know that your wise and generous counseling has not only attuned me to the issues which challenge my daughter, but also has provided language and pathways to the healing process that will strengthen our bond.
—Randy Susan Pollard, ACSW, adoptive parent
Birth mothers
Birth mothers have their own very special parenting issues that deserve special parenting advice! The first important thing to know is that unless and until you have made an informed, considered decision to relinquish your parental rights, you should not be referred to as a birth mother, but simply as your baby’s mother!!
A mother’s sense of prenatal attachment to her baby in the womb seems to lay an important foundation for optimal fetal brain development and therefore healthiest child development. Research tells us that for your baby’s optimal prenatal development, it is important that you feel supported and secure in your mothering role-which doesn’t always happen when adoption plans include “emotionally relinquishing” your baby to waiting adoptive parents. more »
QUANTUM PARENTING offers the most progressive guidelines and support for pregnant women facing untimely or crisis pregnancies—guidelines that reflect the latest science about what’s best for your baby and for you!
You have helped to light this tunnel of darkness for me and I am very hopeful now that we can work through this. Thanks a million for your encouragement!!!
—Sandie, birth parent
Adoptees
Adoptees who become parents often face unique parenting issues themselves! (more) The lastest brain research tells us that one of the most important ingredients for healthy child development is the parent’s ability to make clear sense of his or her childhood. Because many of us adoptees grew up in an atmosphere in which there were some things that “just weren’t talked about”… an atmosphere in which certain subjects—usually having to do with how we arrived in the world!—had the mysterious power to make our mothers cry… an atmosphere in which we may have unconsciously adjusted who we were in order to fit into our family or make our parents more comfortable… we adoptees may not have an easy, fluid sense of who or how we were as children. Our memories of childhood may be more hazy than those of many of our non-adopted peers.
But research tells us that the kind of attuned, collaborative attachment rapport that builds critical areas of the brain during early child development is largely dependent upon the ability of the parent to make clear, coherent sense of his or her childhood. So it is in the interest of their child’s healthiest brain development-and therefore, lifelong well-being-for adoptees who become parents to explore their own beginnings!
Growing up, I was always sanguine about being adopted. To me it was about being special, about being chosen. When I thought about it, which was rarely, I thought being adopted was neat. I was seven when my mother told me that I was adopted; told me that if I ever had any questions, I could always ask. Those were the words her mouth was saying. But every other fiber of her being was shuddering with fear: “I don’t know how to talk to you about this!” I never allowed myself to form the questions, and thus I never asked any. My mother had fulfilled her uncomfortable obligation of honesty, and there was never again any further mention of my adoption.
QUANTUM PARENTING offers practical approaches, guidelines, exercises, and support for developing the kind of self-understanding that will contribute to your own evolution as a parent and a person, and to your children’s healthiest development and lifelong success.
To find that there are others like me and to know that science is finally delving into this mystery allows me to feel a sense of belonging that I never experienced until very recently. I applaud your work and await new findings eagerly.
—Mike Avallone, adoptee
I have found Marcy Axness’ thoughts and feelings about adoption and its primal place in our lives to be an affirmation about what I knew in my heart to be true about being adopted, and this was priceless. The lives of adoptees can be richly blessed by the wonderful writing and speaking of this special woman.
—Joyce Garber, adoptee