The Profound Importance of a Mother’s “Hello” More On Keeping a Birth Mother’s Journal
…the sequel to Saying Hello Before Goodbye.
Dear Baby — Who are you? I don’t feel any different with you there, but everything has changed. And no matter what happens, I know that you are here for a reason, a reason I’ll try to learn through love.
If the term “journaling” sounds too exotic or daunting, try thinking of it as simply writing. Like writing a casual letter to a friend. For a woman facing any of the issues involved in a crisis pregnancy*, I see writing in this way as a tool that could be extremely effective in helping her hold a “centerpoint” of love and connection to her baby, even in the midst of difficult—even horrendous—circumstances. Writing in this way would not only confer tremendous benefits, I believe, to the baby, but also to the expectant mother, for whom that “centerpoint” may prove to be a steadying and comforting influence amid the turmoil in her outer life.
*We use the term ’crisis pregnancy’ rather than ’unplanned pregnancy’, since even a planned pregnancy can later become a crisis pregnancy, due to changing circumstances or relationships, etc.
The pregnancy test reads positive. What is your response? Many in the world of pre- and perinatal psychology believe that a mother’s reaction at the news of her pregnancy is one of the most critical markers for her child’s future self-esteem. Simply knowing this may help a woman differentiate between her own ambivalence about her pregnancy—or even outright disappointment—and a sense of love and acceptance of the being who is taking shape in her womb, whatever their future together may end up to be. Journaling can help her to sort this out in a tangible way.
Tomorrow feels like a dull weight pressing in on me…and I wonder what will move it, and make way for the days to come. But I know that you bear no responsibility for that, baby, you are just there, a new being, innocent and pure, and I love you and hope that your little world in there is feeling more secure than my very big world out here…
Before a woman becomes a “prospective birth mother”, she is simply someone facing a crisis pregnancy. A woman is usually pregnant for some time before adoption becomes an active thought or guiding notion. Those intervening months can be a time when the mother is reluctant to connect with her baby, due to the myriad stresses and uncertainties surrounding their future together. [This is also a common situation in a woman who has suffered past miscarriages, and is afraid to truly “own” her current pregnancy, and connect with her baby.]
But what a fetus most needs—from the earliest moments after conception—is to feel a sense of connection with its mother, a feeling from her that he or she is loved, but more than just loved, welcomed—if not on the practical, physical level of knowing for sure that she will ultimately parent the child, then on the more spiritual realm of recognizing it to be a child of God, an innocent being that needs nurturance in this moment.
A woman with a crisis pregnancy may not feel entitled to bond with her baby. She may believe—like society in general tends to believe, especially if she is even considering adoption for her child—that it is her “job” not to do what is usually the natural thing, which is to embrace that baby on some level. I think it’s critical that a woman in this circumstance be supported and guided in following her instinct to connect with her baby, with the crucial—and perhaps liberating—understanding that the unknown future of their relationship together need not—and should not!—dictate that she not connect with the baby now.
I dream of a big happy house with lots of smiles and laughs and good food and music on the radio, and oh how I wish that for you…will you have that? I don’t know right now what will await you, or me, after you arrive into this world… But whatever home you have later, I want your home now to be secure. As I rub my belly I wonder what you feel in there, do you feel my love for you? Do you feel my fear, too? You probably do, but feel my love more, okay? Feel my love…
Hand in hand with this sense of not being entitled to claim the baby, there is sometimes the feeling of shame on the part of a woman facing a crisis pregnancy, that she’s made this big “mistake”, perhaps feels that she’s letting lots of people down—her parents, her boyfriend, etc.—and may not even feel worthy of claiming the baby inside her. The feeling may be that she’ll “save” the baby by staying detached from it: “I’m not going to screw up your life, too.”
A woman having these types of feelings can hopefully be led to an understanding that regardless of how she views herself—or how anyone else “on the outside” may view her—and regardless of her difficult circumstances, the most important thing for her baby is to feel her very real, claiming presence. She needs to know that she is everything to her baby, if only for this short time in her womb.