From Presence to Simplicity: Cliff Notes for P-A-R-E-N-T-S
In 20 years of being a parent, a student of human development, a human in constant development, an impassioned researcher of the human sciences, and a parent counselor engaged with the challenges and triumphs of real moms and dads, I have gathered a superabundance of excellent information. But I’ve also come to recognize that one of the greatest gifts in this era of information overload is to arrive at the other side of a gazillion helpful facts to essential “nuggets” that are simplified without being simplistic. In the spirit of a New Year, I offer you seven solid-gold nuggets, informed by research in fields from neuro-development to theology. While some of them “accordion out” to include further basics than I have room to include here, these are the foundational principles for effective, healthy and joyful parenting.
Presence: This is the ability to be fully here, right now, in the moment-engaged, connected. One of the greatest needs of the child is a regular dose of your undistracted presence. Try “Nothing Else” time: Sit on the floor, amidst the blocks, the books, the dolls… and be available to your child. This is when parents allows themselves to be taught by their children—curiosity, playfulness, spontaneity. If you can carve out 20 minutes, 15 minutes, even 10 minutes in a day, it’s like a magic vitamin to the relationship mix, nourishing and also buffering and protective against other disrupting elements of daily life. It also enhances the true self-esteem that flourishes with the child’s experience that she is worth your time, your attention, your presence.
Awareness: This includes the “book learning” part of the job—all the things you need to know to be effective as a parent. Essential parental awareness includes everything from “micro” details such as knowing when the last time your child ate some protein or essential fatty acids (brain food is essential for the ability to “keep it together”)… had some water… or got some sleep… to the kinds of “big picture” awareness like where your child is in the scheme of unfolding brain development, and the capacities unique to that stage. This includes knowing, for example, that a young child’s primary modes of learning are through sensing (seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling and touching-indeed, lots of touching!) and doing. This understanding helps parents with a basic “discipline” issue: for a child to touch something is similar to an adult thinking about that same thing.
Another essential aspect of awareness for parents is a connected sense of our own childhood, and what parenting awakens within us in terms of our history and our story. We all travel with an entourage: us at each age we ever were! When a mother holds a baby in her arms, the baby she once was is also there, with all of the feelings she had then. Ditto the toddler, the preschooler, the kindergartner, the teen… you get the idea. This is often the biggest challenge in parenting!
Rhythm: This is a parent’s best friend. Rhythm is one of the greatest needs of the young child, but also a fundamental human principle, often forgotten in our supercharged, 24/7 world. (FYI, the first thing “Super Nanny” does is put every family on a schedule!) Young children thrive on and crave rhythmicity to their days, their weeks, even the seasons: “This is when we eat, this is when we nap, this is when we have play time… Tuesdays we go to the park, Wednesdays we go to the Farmer’s Market, Sunday we visit Grandma, and summer is beach time!” Seems monotonous to us as adults, because we’re essentially different creatures inside our skulls. The limbic or “feeling brain” structures developing in the early years are critical to the formation of all later brain-based capacities. Rhythm’s external consistency & predictability allow the growing child to gradually internalize regulation & stability—which we now know is the foundation for all human success, including intelligence, relationships, and joy.
Emulation-Worthiness: Rudolf Steiner said that the young child is really an eye, taking in everything, registering everything, without analysis! And they imitate everything. They don’t so much hear our words, but pick up everything else. So the question must always be, “Am I worthy of my child’s unquestioning imitation?” If we complain about chores—even just in the way we make the gesture of doing the chore—it will be emulated (perhaps not right away, but years from now!) So, for example, take care that the books you read to your little one also interest you; if I read to my child forcing myself to do it, the first thing he’ll do is never want to read! Also, careful about taking pleasure in matter-of-factly criticizing friends, acquaintances, politicians. By contrast, children learn important lessons from our striving to elevate our inner selves. Children take our cues about everything, and become our most exquisite mirrors. Be (or strive toward) the noble qualities you dream of for your child!
Nurturance: This is the practical demonstration of love, the giving of ourselves to the other: how we cuddle them, feed them, smile at them. Everything is an opportunity for nurturance of our children, from how we choose their toys and books, their clothing, the colors for their rooms, what to feed them, even the attitude we hold while preparing their meals! Beauty, reverence, a sense of awe—these are all important ways of nurturing the young child. And, how we discipline, keeping in mind that humans of all ages are always either in “growth or protection” mode, and that harsh reprimands—including harsh “time outs”—elicit defense/protection mode physically and psychologically, which is counterproductive on all mind/body levels. This doesn’t mean we never say “no” or set limits, but that we repair the ruptured relationship after a break happens.
Trust: It’s the most potent anti-anxiety secret, and perhaps the most subversive act on this list. Everything in our consumerist culture teaches us that we’re not quite enough, but something we can purchase will make up for our lack—like the myriad “educational” techno-gizmos marketed at anxiously devoted parents. Together with the other six principles, trust is an antidote for this anxiety. When I have a new rose that is just budding in my garden, do I tinker with the petals, or do anything with that flower to “optimize” it? No, I enrich and fertilize the soil that the rose is growing in, and I trust in the process of Life unfolding. I also trust that the rosebush can weather storms without me over-sheltering it!
Simplicity: It is the portal to joy, and joy lies at the very foundation of health, well-being and peace. Definitely with a child younger than 6 or 7, but also with older kids, the more we can simplify life, the more peace we will have in the home and woven into the fabric of the child’s developing brain; it becomes a feedback loop. The child’s deepest need is to be seen and known. Simplifying daily life helps that to happen more: “When we overbook, we overlook.” A new study finds that just simplifying dramatically reduced symptoms of clinically diagnosed ADHD! Cultivating a sense of wonder and imagination helps guarantee simplicity, because then everything becomes something amazing: wind through the trees is fairies dancing… a piece of wood becomes an alligator or a doll… a spoon becomes a great flag or a king’s scepter. Then we don’t need to constantly purchase things. And a child—or parent—who can imagine is on a path toward unlimited horizons.